Did I do that? Or was it your imagination?

Posted on May 13, 2012

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No, I didn’t do that. It was your imagination. Has it ever happened to you that someone misjudged you? Jumped to incorrect conclusions? Decided guilty, until proven innocent? I’m sure it has, it’s not that rare an occurence. But it still hurts. When all you wanted to do was make someone happy, and not make anyone feel excluded, yet you were accused of doing the absolute wrong thing and  making everybody feel bad? When you didn’t understand why the silent treatment had arrived, and why it was there?

Well, I had the pleasure of greeting and getting to know the silent treatmnt. And from my own friends, would you believe it?

I’ll attempt to fill you in, prepare yourselves.

I was organizing a friend’s birthday party, and she asked for a very small thing, just me, and three others. Later on, she decided she wanted to invite a few more people, but she did not want one specific person to come. I told her that if we are going to invite those few more people, we can’t leave out that specific girl. That would be hurtful to her, to think no one wanted her to come, even if they didn’t and for good reason. There was also, and this was probably the main part, the problem of transportation: if we invited those few more people, we wouldn’t all fit in one car.

To make a really, really, really, long story short, some friends realised they weren’t invited, and the ones who were invited decided it was wrong of me to not invite everyone else.But, because they didn’t want to ruin my friend’s birthday, they decided not to say anything that day. And then, the next day, they didn’t get around to it. So they never brought it up, and never explained, just began the silent treatment.

The silent treatment hurts. It hurts a lot. Especially when you don’t deserve it.

I was just trying to do the right thing. To make sure everyone was happy. And really, no one would have had to be insulted, because we didn’t publicize that we went out, excpet that I forgot about Facebook. Yes, I am that clueless person who doesn’t have an account and didn’t think of the fact that the pictures would show up. That’s me.

But if my friends had just talked to me, it could have all been avoided. It never would have happened this way. But they didn’t talk to me, and I was simply met by this silent wall every time I tried to figure out what was wrong. Well, it was either silent, or snappy. Not sure which is better.

Don’t get me wrong, these friends are amazing people. They are very compassionate, and very good hearted, but sometimes they just don’t get me. In the summer, when my grandmother passed away, I purposely told one friend what had happened and asked her to let everyone else know. Now, you tell me, was that or was that not a hint that I wanted people to talk to me? Maybe it was subtle, but I simply figured it was common courtesy to send condolences to someone who lost a loved one. But I didn’t hear a word from those friends. The one I had told called me three weeks later, and I was sure she was calling to see how I was doing, but she was calling to let me know when the surprise party for one of our friends was going on. So I thanked her. I figured, she probably doesn’t know what to say, I’ll spare her. But I didn’t want to spare everyone. I wanted to know my friends cared. Was that too much to ask?

Here is an example of something I sent to a friend of mine when her grandmother passed:

(Subject: sorry to hear)

Hi ________,
I heard about your grandmother, and I just wanted to let you know that I am

thinking about you, and that if you ever need to talk, I’m here for you. Or cry,
I don’t judge. Because then I’d be judging myself. Ouch.
But truly, If you need anything, just let me know, and don’t be embarrassed. I
come in peace, and speak only truth. (“I swear to tell the truth, and nothing
but the truth, so help me Bob.” Angelica rocks.)
Lots of love,

Le7

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what you say when a friend’s loved one passes. You don’t have to pretend to understand what they are going through, or say “How are you?”, because the answer is obvious. Instead you say, “Do you want to talk?” or “How are you holding up? Can I help you with something? Do you want me to sit with you for a while?”

I didn’t really get to hear that though. I only had one friend who came to visit during the Shivaa*. Thank you, Society.

Now like I said before, these friends are great people. I just wished they had stepped up a little more. But now, I have to go back to pretending everything is normal,and letting everything blow over. Even though I don’t want to. I want to scream at them, tell them how wrong they are, put them back in their place, and cry with their arms around me and their kind words in my ears. But that won’t be happening anytime soon. Each person is busy with their own problems, so they don’t really have that much time or thought to really spare for me. But that’s okay, I can deal.

Did anyone see through that lie? I sure hope not.

Listen to that friend who is asking for help,

Le7

*- the Jewish tradition during which, after losing a family member, the family sits for seven days in one of the homes and people visit and pay respects and give condolences.

 

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