An introduction to my life- if that is even possible

Posted on April 1, 2012

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She would have loved this photo.

My grandmother died in July, 2011. That is the very first thing that comes to mind when I am expected to introduce someone to my life. Yet that is not the first thing I say. In fact, it is probably that thing that always comes to the front of your mind, and you rarely say. Instead, I say something like: “Hi, I’m Le7. How are you doing today?” And when the answer comes, “Oh, wonderful, and you?” I smile and say, “Just great”. I don’t make a habit of lying, and I really suck at it, yet that is my personal template. All of my close friends know, of course, but we don’t really make it a topic of conversation. They don’t know what to say, and why make them feel so uncomfortable? Better to talk about it with the people who understand, and just hope that none of my friends will understand anytime soon.

I think about her everyday.

I lead a busy life, and because of that, have slightly abandoned my writing. No, you know what? That right there is the kind of lie I  say everyday, when people ask me why I haven’t written anything lately. And here is the truth: since she passed, I have lost my drive for writing. We knew the end was coming, and I always pictured myself writing my feelings and my grief onto a crumpled sheet of paper, in the form of the most moving poem anyone had ever seen. But I did no such thing. In fact, I didn’t write anything at all excpet for one measly poem during the week after her death. And I have no idea where it is now. But I don’t want to either.

Grief can’t be put into words. It just can’t. If I was forced to write my feelings down, it would look something like this: “I feel like my heart has been wrenched out of my chest, torn into a million pieces, and left in a heap in the middle of the road for the cars of life to drive over time and time again.” I am not a depressing person, I promise you. Yet everyday, when my thoughts travel to my grandmother, I feel that spot in my chest where the grieving for her goes on, day and night.

But she wanted us to be happy. And so that is what I strive for, everyday. I let myself be swept away in humdrum life, and do my best to live life to the fullest. I have never before written this down, and I admit, there is something theraputic to it. I don’t feel this pain at every second of every day, and I know that in time, I might think of it even less. Now that I think about it, I know that this is what my grandmother would have wanted: for us to remember her in the best of ways, and to keep on living our lives and making her proud.

And that is what I intend to do.

This blog will not focus on loss, nor on grieving, and not even on pain. It will focus on life, and doing what is right, and on my thoughts and beliefs. And yes, life includes everything from death to babysitting, and from my studies to guys. Because life is plentiful, and I am doing my best to appreciate what I have: a loving family, loving friends, a beautiful home, and my health (for the most part — more on that later).  As for the title: I don’t think it is possible to introduce someone to your life. Introducing sounds so one-sided. If you want to get to know my life, it is a two-way effort, and not an introduction. Now, prologue is a much better word. It also looks cooler.

Stay tuned, (coming soon to theaters near you- anyone else have a joke about that? We still have a working VCR)

Apreciate what you have and what you have known,

Le7

 

 

(Photo credits: storybooksforhealing.com)

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